it's packing time~~ i think i'll really miss this place...but there are so much to pack!!! we got no weighing machine here... so i don't know whether my luggages are overweight or not... this is pretty bad... continue packing!!!
wrote an email to my sis on sunday:
(because it seems that she has been having problems since i'm away.. )
this is how it goes...:
Jo,
i guess i was just prepared. to leave. so dun say that i hate you all. just because i dun miss home. cos probably i have always been thinking that i'll leave one day. and you just got to take over what i've always been doing. hoping and knowing that you'll be better. like what you've always been doing. better than me. i guess i was assured that you will be there. i was sure that things will be ok even with me not around and with you around. i was sure that everything will be ok. but i am sorry. i want to say. for suddenly leaving all the burden to you. and forgetting that there will be times you'll need help. forgetting that sometimes you re not as strong as ppl sees you. see, even i forgot. sorry that i was busy and not able to give you advices. even if i give you advices, they dun seem to work. for a lot of times. i guess that is also one of the few reasons you dun really liked asking me questions. i can understand. (and yes, i know. i am slow.) dun worry too much already. i am coming back already. all ready to take the burden from you back onto me. after resting for so long. it feels like a long break and i'm ready to go back to work. dun worry so much. you will hav your chance to go other places. you will have your chance to do things your way. so forgive me this time. sorry.
sis.
she replied me quite fast and told me that it's true that a lot of things happened when i am gone.. both good and bad.
sometimes, i really wondered, am i really a selfish sister? sometimes... i cannot really understand how my younger sister felt, because there are so many times.. i felt stronger emotions whenever she's doing better than me(which is like most of the time) but because i am the eldest.. it always comes down to me that no matter what happens, i must be there. sometimes, i just wanted my sis to understand how i feel inside.. i remembered telling her one time, i really feel hurt whenever she's doing better than me or even just to aim higher than me. she heard me but it just seemed to me that she didn't care much. then my dad told me that i shouldn't compare myself with my sis. but i'm still struggling inside.. i want to be like my younger sister and be myself at the same time. sometimes, my sis will talk to me... and tell me that she is feeling very pressured because my parents(especially my dad) is putting high hopes on her... and a lot of times, she can't understand why i get so much "priviledges" from my parents.. but she didn't realise. i am the one always talking to my parents individually.. even to hear what's on their mind when they're troubled. my parents always tries to tell me that because i am the eldest, it is my responsibility to take care of my siblings when they're gone.. they are always telling me about alot of things.. they tried giving me chances to be independent because among the three of us(me, my younger sister, my younger brother), i am of the type who is not smart or what.. they say the best thing about me is patience. my other siblings are smart... but they don't have as much patience as me, they say. well, my dad started teaching me algebra when i was primary 3!! can you believe it? my dad spent such a long and hard time teaching me... but with my sister(he didn't teach her algebra or whatever but now he tutor her on maths - both e.maths and a.maths), he can teach without much difficulty. my brother is only primary 2 this year and he learns things super fast(he goes Kumon and now, his level is like.. at primary 5!!! for both english and maths)... so how can i even compare? i don't have much to compare. so now, my sis can have a feel of how it's like to be the "eldest" kid at home now.. but she's complaining... oh well, i have to "take back" my "post" next wednesday~~ alright, gonna sleep~~
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